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It’s been a long time since I took this pen to paper. A part of me had the urge to write but I just didn’t know where to start…so here goes.

I know like I know like I know that my life will be in full vibrant colors. I know that I will be at peace. I know that I will have the life I’ve always dreamed of. However, it a continuous struggle because I always think that someone is going to supply this dream for me. I keep thinking Mr. Prince Charming will whisk me away and I will never have to worry about making ends meets ever again. I’m conflicted because I feel this isn’t how it’s going to pan out for me. My intuition and this kind of knowing makes me feel as though I can have whatever I want but I will be the one to provide it to myself. And you see, that makes the most sense.

I’ve tried the “easy” way to acquire things and let me tell you it wasn’t so easy. I’ve had wealthy men in the palm of my hands but that lifestyle was too much on my conscience. I was indeed a manipulator and taking on characteristics of a narcissist/sexual sadist. In my defense the men were not angels either. As you can imagine, being this kind of person was actually doing more harm to myself than it was to the men. I found myself getting involved with drugs & alcohol, having underlying motives, and just flat-out living a lie. Meanwhile, I had all the things I wanted and I didn’t need to work but I still had a void. I knew I did not want to go back to working in the call center industry but I knew I also did not want to keep masquerading as something I’m not to get what I wanted from these men I cared absolutely nothing about. Well, I guess I cared a little bit after all they are human but c’mon I was just a fetish fantasy to them regardless of how many times they professed their love to me.

I was willing to risk it all to get out of this lifestyle. Ironically, my own sister and many other women thought I was insane to let go of my meal tickets just because I felt like morally and spiritually it was no longer fulfilling. These women were more about the money than I was– hook, line, sinker. Hook his ass, line him in, and take his ass for all he got (sinker)! But you see, that just seemed like too long of a “chore” for me. I was growing a rapid repulsion towards these men and I was frankly ready to discard them and move on. But I didn’t want to move on to another man for a meal ticket. I wanted to earn my own keeps and be the kind of self-started dream woman who my ideal dream man would be searching for.

Now fast forward 18 months, since I have resigned from these relationships with my “sponsors”. Granted they still make sure a girl is well-kept from time to time but nothing is in it for them besides dinner and a church hug at the end of the night. Since my resignation, I was able to get my mind + body + soul right. I kicked most of the drugs, reduced alcohol consumption, and worked on my clearing my mental. I launched this blog website about 16 months ago to allow me a creative space to share things I’ve learned along the way with other people who may resonate with the same teachings that have been useful for my growth. My blog started off as a success then slowly declined some 6 months ago. I’ll get more into the details of why and how that happened later on but for now let’s continue with my story. This upcoming summer will make one year that I have been working in the rewarding field of natural medicine, herbs, and supplements. I am actually quite happy and loving this field. This will ultimately tie into my future plans and lifetime goals. preparation meets opportunity

I can truly say my success thus far came by way of preparation meeting opportunity. I definitely feel blessed that some 18 months ago I was at a point where I needed to get out of toxic relationships and help myself be better. I was fortunate that I was introducing spirituality and holistic living just right before I got involved with these affluent men so it wasn’t too hard for me to bounce back into living conscientiously. I don’t regret the experiences and lessons I gained while with my suitors. It was probably the best age (24-26) for me to experience what I thought was the “high life”.  I can say without doubt now I know what is important and truly of value. I still want nice things and new experiences but I want to do it on my terms and hopefully share these memories with someone I care for.

However, things are a little different now. Remember how I said I would explain why my blog had slowly been declining as of 6 months ago? Well, a huge part of this is due to the news of my growing baby daughter in my belly. She will be arriving in early August! My first-born (: You would think I would have been more eager to write more since being pregnant especially with all these flooding emotions and experiences. I think more than anything it was a matter of being so fatigue during the first few months of my pregnancy; I was literally asleep by 8:30pm most nights. Also, I just didn’t know how to begin writing from where I had left off at. I did not want to just jump right in with a ‘hey I’m back fyi I’m pregnant’ type of post. I did not want my announcement to be cliché and ordinary as that’s just not me (as you probably know by now). I’m always filled with twists, turns, and surprises. So surprise! note: my future husband ought to be the man who can get down with me and all my quirks; Pisces women are for a select few!

Anywhoo, needless to say this post comes to full circle now. Obviously, the drugs and liquor aren’t an issue any longer. My mental state has continued to mature, evolve, and maintain peace. My career is opening the right doors for me so it’s important I keep focused so that I can have the life I know will be mine. So far so good! Sometimes, we as people get sidetracked on how much further we have to go and lose sight of how far we’ve come. I make it a priority to not forget where I started from so that I can look at my past achievements to motivate me to keep going. It’s incredible to see and check off all the things I wanted to do on wish lists that I created in 2014. You know, it may actually be past due for me to create a new wish list for the next upcoming goals and markers. I think it’ll be fun to work on this task especially with my upcoming addition, Aría.

Confession time: I’m secretly happy to be having a girl. Though, I wanted a boy first so he could watch over his little sister in grade school but secretly I wanted a girl. I’m so excited yet sometimes nervous. I do love my baby girl and feel such a strong bond with her already. She makes me laugh, cry, feel loved, and she keeps me motivated. I am determined to raise her in a healthy freeing natural environment. I can go on and on but I think I will wait to share baby blogging for a different post as I have a lot to write on in regards to raising a child in these times.

For now, I just wanted to stop by, ramble for a bit, and overall spread some love to you all. Look forward to being more active on my blog and let you in on some of the things I didn’t get to share with you.  I have a lot more that I want to write about and catch you up on such as:

  • new recipes
  • health + beauty tips
  • inspiration quotes
  • videos
  • and so much more!

Happy Spring to my NH folks and Happy Autumn to my SH peeps! Take care and much love.

surrender to vulnerability

For the last couple of months I have been feeling a little indifferent, not sure of why or what was causing me to feel this way. So I started to obsessively rack my brain trying to figure out how I can get back to feeling  “normal” again. In the midst of this reflective period, I went through spells of feeling withdrawn from the world, lazy, indecisive—the list goes on. Literally.

I tried to just ignore what it was I was feeling and tried my hardest to keep on trucking along. Finally, I came to a point where this was really starting to affect me physically and psychologically so I decided to surrender. I gave up resistance and submitted to the fact that I needed to take some immediate action. Admittedly, I cannot say I have conquered all of these issues I face. More than anything, writing and acknowledging these obstacles is healing for me and was the first step I decided to take. I hope that at the very least this post resonates with someone else who may be dealing or had previously dealt with the same situation. If you have some suggestions on how to combat these obstacles please leave a comment or send an email.

  • lethargy, laziness, lack of motivation
  • giving up when the going gets tough
  • suppressing my issues
  • disillusion
  • escapism
  • dependency
  • indecisiveness
  • lack of confidence
  • fear of failure
  • discontent
  • lack of willpower
  1. My lethargy/laziness stems from not feeling motivated, passionate, nor recognizing the importance of that action that requires my input. Feeling as though my rest and relaxation is more valuable than said action.
  2. Giving up when the going gets tough stems from laziness as I described above. Also, feeling as though continuing the path is not worthy or valuable; not seeing instant gratification. Impatience.
  3. Not acknowledging or rather suppressing my issues stems from thinking if something is out of sight then it’s also out of mind. Alternatively, from feeling that even if I were to address my issues, they would still go unresolved and thus making the process a waste of time (not worthy/valuable of my time).
  4. Disillusion comes from not having a sound and solid foundation of who I am. Getting sucked into different ideals that satisfy me temporarily until I’m on to my next conquest.
  5. Escapism comes from fear of facing my issue. I know what the issue is but I rather pretend it’s not there because quite frankly I don’t know how to resolve it, so why bother.
  6. Dependencies on people, environments, and substances stems from my need to escape a situation so the dependency acts a temporary distraction.
  7. Indecisiveness from self-doubt, uncertainty, or the feeling that I might make the wrong decision leading to let down or disappointment. The desire for wanting to be right and avoid failing, delays, or criticism.
  8. Lack of confidence due to feeling I won’t get my way in the situation, self-doubt, or the outcome will not be in my favor. Alternatively, not being able to accept rejection without feeling unworthy.
  9. My fear of failure stems from receiving criticism, pity, or disappointment from others. These things affect me because I’m dependent on how others see me since I don’t have a strong foundation for myself. Feeling ashamed of myself for not being better than I already am.
  10. I feel discontent with the way things are because I believe I should be doing better than the status quo. Feeling I am not good enough yet. Criticizing myself at where I am now instead of applauding myself from where I started at. Comparing myself to others and the mass majority standard of what’s acceptable.
  11. Lack of willpower due to feeling that I am not going to follow through to completion. Feeling as though I am too weak to persist, so why start in the first place. Doubting myself and my inner power. Feeling I’m not as strong as others to keep up.

confused, stuck, afraid of change?

I’m dedicating this to anyone who might feel somewhat stuck or confused about the direction their life is going. I recorded this voice memo on 2/11/2016 but the people I have met this week compelled me to want to share this now. If you’re feeling like your job is not the right fit for you or perhaps you’re in a relationship that is no longer conducive to your growth, this audio clip is for you. It may even be that you have a great job and a healthy relationship but maybe you’re feeling like there’s something more you’re suppose to be doing. In this audio clip, I am sharing my own personal experience of how I learned to:

  • follow my heart
  • know that I am not alone in my journey
  • clear my space and be open to receive
  • accept that mistakes/failures are my teachers rather than my enemy

This is a very raw recording, I didn’t feel the need to sugar coat the process of growing because growth can sometimes come with new challenges. So I’m dishing it out to you, all the good, bad, and ugly! I hope my experiences resonates with you or perhaps it may benefit someone you know who might be going through something similar. If this message does resonate with you be sure to write in or leave a comment, that will prompt me to post part two of this audio!

Much love and prosperity to you all


 

“There are only two mistakes one can make along the road to truth; not going all the way, and not starting.”
—Buddha

world keeps on turnin

 

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winter chills, cloudy skies, undisturbed days
when the leaves are no more
trees bare their soul, they replenish mine
ever peaceful, grounding, yoga mat black as my skin
crystals roll off my body and sheild me from the cold
puppies rush to me for kisses
those same kisses i miss from my love, my king
look out into the horizon i see the mother of winter
but behind that lies the opportunity of spring
just be patient, the sun will come
with every passing moon reflecting that same sun
be patient, the sun will come

home sweet home, or not

imageIf you’re anything like my family then you should find that the holiday season can bring joy, bonding, laughter, and the inevitable arguments! It’s true, something about everyone flying home for the holidays and being cooped up in the same house with relatives brings up unwanted tension. Though, this may sound tedious it can also be rewarding for your growth.

It is not too common that people will have friendships with people who share opposite views, opposite activities, and opposite tempers. In some retrospec, people naturally will befriend those who share similar views. Not to say that people only want clones of themselves in their inner circle but for the most part people want friendships with people they will not collide heads with. It is this same reasoning why you might be prone to have disagreements with your relatives when you’re shacking up with them for the holidays. This is especially true for siblings.

Fortunately, your families can be great teachers for you. Most families are made up of different personalities; some more dominant than others. Either way, your family can teach you patience, compassion, empathy, and effective communicate. This is an excellent benefit to you especially if you live in the real world where you will run into people who do not think the same way as you. I’ve come up a 5-step guideline to make amends if you are in a heated argument with a relative.

  1. Be patient
  2. Listen to them
  3. Try understanding them
  4. Empathize
  5. Apologize

Let’s say you’re faced with a difficult and stubborn sibling. It helps you to elevate mentally by taking a step back, be patient and listen to their opinion or the problem at bay. This can be hard for some people because they are so eager to speak that they miss what the other person is telling them and inevitably this will lead to misunderstanding and no real resolution. However if you can be patient then you will be able to clearly listen to their issue and they will be more open to give you that same respect when it is your turn to speak. Once you have practiced being patient and listening you will find it easier to understand your sibling. Nevertheless, their guard and defense will also dissolve thus allowing you to relax too. Once you’re back in a calm open-minded mental state you can implement empathy to help alleviate any remaining discomfort the other might have.

Lastly, apologize. Apologize? Yes, apologize! I can imagine this will be tough for some to grasp but just hear me out. For example, say your sibling and yourself had an exchange of words that were hurtful to one another. Once you’ve gotten through steps 1-4, you two should already be on the verge of completely making amends so realistically it won’t be that hard to finish with an I’m sorry and hug it out. But I like to break things down for an easier digestion so allow me to explain why an apology is critical. An apology can serve as a benefit both for yourself and in this scenario, your sibling. Even if your sibling was definitely in the wrong it is still important to apologize to them. Your apology is not a sign of weakness it is actually a strength. Even if your sibling just cannot muster up the words of “I’m sorry” to you it is okay because you’ve already received your apology– the apology from yourself to yourself.

As I mentioned, an apology serves the both of you. If you apologize to your sibling, and they are immature they may think that they have won the battle. But this is far from true. When you apologize to them you are the real one gaining peace of mind and showcasing your strength. You gain peace because you’ve actually just manipulated the discussion to your favor. You’ve shifted the energy into one that is more light-hearted. You are the one in control just like a maestro is in control of the direction of his orchestra. Unbeknownst to your sibling they are too consumed in their ego to see what is happening below the surface. To be honest, your apology is most beneficial to you more so than the sibling. When you say “hey, I’m really sorry for yelling at you and calling you out of your name” that is in essence an apology to yourself. Because deep down you know that you are kind, peaceful, and loving so when you act out by yelling, cursing, slamming doors it is our of your character and you need to apologize to your mind, body, and soul for breathing in that negative toxic energy.

To delve deeper, think of a time you were really upset with someone. Did you yell? Were you stressed out? Did you punch the wall? Did you seek out revenge? All of these things are poisonous to yourself and you’re really causing dis-ease to your body. Not to be confused with disease, but rather a body not in ease. What happens when you yell? You get stressed and irritable. This stress can most definitely cause dis-ease to your physical body. You might get a headache, lose your voice from yelling, or even discover some new gray hairs. When you are angry and you punch a wall you can cause harm to your hand. Or if you drive off in a rage you could get into a car accident. I mean seriously, even strokes can be triggered by intense stress! So do yourself some justice and apologize for your actions. That apology is owed to your body from the stress that you caused it and that apology will summon the other person to drop their anger towards you. Thus allowing you two to be in harmony again and more importantly allowing you to regain your peace again. If you skip out on apologizing then you are susceptible to having unfinished business which will likely cause underlying tension between the two of you. Which will likely cause you more stress and make you vulnerable to the same argument resurfacing. So this is why I highly recommend finishing with a genuine apology.

As for your sibling or the person you were arguing with, they may never apologize to you but that’s okay because you are not dependent on their apology or lack thereof. Ironically, your sibling is the one who gets the short end of the stick because they will always be dependent on someone else’s apology and if one is not given to them they will tend to harbour resentment, anger, hatred, and other deep-seated issues which will create disharmonious ease to their physical body. They will find themselves always in confrontation, stressed out, and more prone to exhaustion. Furthermore, the negative energies will bog them down so much that other people may find their aura to be unsettling. It is unfortunate but that kind of person will always be in defense mode and will lead a pessimistic life if they do not change for the better. So again I say to make amends the best way you can with others in order to gain your self-peace and happiness. Be thankful of those who are different than you as they will be your learning curve to creating the peaceful life you desire.

take one

The satisfaction of being your own kind
Making your own decisions and knowledge of mind
The truth of the fact of what you empower
Which seeks out the brave unlike the cowards
You imagine who you are and what you want to be
But the truth will unfold onto a mirror to show the real me

Yes this is I, flaws and all
But don’t get it twisted I have grace beyond them all
Unimaginable untold goals that I dream
And to one day which I will succeed
Until the day where my road comes to an end
I will grow to be a smart, confident, and thankful woman
For all that God has blessed me with
And the everlasting family bliss

To be myself, is to be my own
And to be my own, is to seek and forgo
Don’t be ashamed to live your life
And remember to never stop the fight
God has a plan for me, with or without the support of family
I have a right and passage to my own mind
Therefore I am one-of-a-kind

 

11/28/2008