the 8 deal breakers

DealorNoDeal

It seems I can’t escape the topic of relationships and marriage these days. It’s been an increasingly popular subject more so since I have been pregnant. Most of the time the conversation has nothing to do with me and my personal relationship but yet about the one who brought up the conversation in the first place. No matter how the topic was broached it always seems to end with the inevitable… So what about you, Camille? Do I hear wedding bells in the near future?

Before I go any further I must mention that I’ve always been the girl who openly and proudly has had a soft spot in my heart for true love and having babies of my own. I won’t call myself a hopeless romantic because that just sounds cheesy but to make things easy I guess that’s what you can call me. Oh, plus I just don’t like the term “hopeless” because it sounds too much like helpless. I much rather be a hopeful romantic!

Anyway, with all this talk about marriage and relationships it had me questioning things like:

  • my past relationships
  • how do I show love
  • how do I accept love
  • do I truly love myself
  • do I know how to love another
  • …and so on

So while I won’t get into the nitty gritty details of all of those factors in this post–I will however share what I’ve come to find out are my core deliverables that need to be met in order for my union to be promising. Essentially, these are my 8 deal breakers (cue dramatic music)! Obviously, there are other qualities I may desire but I’d be willing to compromise on if these 8 factors are being met. So here goes! Please note:these are in no particular order of importance

  1. Physical Attraction
    Simply, am I physically attracted to him?
  2. Soul Connection
    Do we both share an indescribable spiritual connection? Not to be confused with a religious connection. Rather do we resonate energetically? Do we have such a strong soul connection that we can sense when the other is in danger when they are nowhere near us? Do we both pick up on signs or sense what the other needs without having to always verbalize it?
  3. Acceptance and Understanding
    No matter our differences is this someone who can on a soul-level still accept and understand me? He doesn’t need to agree with me but does he understand me. Is he able to accept the core building blocks of what makes me the person I am?
  4. Attentive 
    Does he really notice me? Does he know the real me or attempt to peel the layers back to discover the real me?  Can I confide in him and know without a doubt he is giving me his undivided attention? Remember: attentive, not to be confused with smothering or obsessive
  5. Protective
    Does he protect me emotionally and physically? Does he assist me with heavy items or dangerous tasks? Is he aware of our surroundings and on the lookout for alarming situations? Does he provide comfort to me in a situation that was emotionally straining for me? Finally, is he protecting himself and staying out of trouble? …because if he’s living a reckless risky lifestyle then he might as well be putting me in danger too.
  6. Loving
    Does he show me love in a multitude of ways? Whether it be professing his love publicly. Or if he shows love through acts of service such as rotating my car tires or fixing a loose floorboard (again, protective!). Does he surprise me with a little sweet gift I had briefly mentioned (attentive)? Overall does his actions make me feel loved? 
  7. Honest and Trustworthy
    Will he be open and honest with pertinent information even if it’s uncomfortable or hurtful? Is he overall quite honest in his interactions with others? From personal experience, if we have a soul-connection then we ought to have trust & honesty in the relationship because if not then I will sense that something energetically does not feel right. So better to be honest and forthcoming so we can work as a partnership to overcome situations together. 
  8. Grounded
    Is he pretty well-balanced and stable in his everyday life? Does he have a good work-play balance? Does he maintain balance between reality and spirituality? Is he financially responsible? Is he mentally stable? Is he sensible?

So there you have it! My deal breakers! In my opinion they really all go hand and hand together. What are your thoughts? Do you have a different set of deal breakers that you’d like to share? If you haven’t already, I highly recommend sitting down and writing the qualities that you cannot negotiate on whether it applies to platonic friendships or romantic relationships. Then as a fun little experiment, go down your list one by one and ask yourself whether a past or current romantic partner has met or is meeting your requirements. You can do this for plantonic friendships too. Give it a try you might find the results to be very eye-opening.

page of swords.

2042

Sometimes I look up towards the ceiling and ask why…
Why am I here? Why would you leave us here? What purpose are we here for? Why…why…why? I just really have to ponder and ruminate on why we’re here. Why allow us to live in a world of suffer? Why do people feel a void, an emptiness? Why do we continue to live in a grayscale world where you work for money to survive? Where is the joy? Where is the fulfillment, the passion, the child-like curiosity for the world? Why is it we feel so stuck in our reality? When do we get to escape the restless thoughts and demands of everyday life? Why do we not know how to breathe?

What is this…this life/movie/story/dream? Is it real? Why do I feel there is more than what meets the eye? These questions are not new to me but with my first born child on the way I can’t help but to revisit these unanswered questions. For what purpose am I to my daughter when I don’t know the purpose of why as a collective we are here. What am I to teach my daughter? One thing I know is I want her to know her purpose. I want her to feel fulfilled, happy, and joyous. I want her to live in a life of color. I want her sufferings to be the lessons in life to propel her to success in whatever manifestation she desires— whether it be in the form of money, love, true freedom, etc.

Perhaps my daughter is actually the one birthing me. Perhaps she has a plan and a mission for me. As I see it now, the only thing that is evident is the fact that my daughter is birthing life, happiness, joy, fulfillment into me. And I thank her for that.

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It’s been a long time since I took this pen to paper. A part of me had the urge to write but I just didn’t know where to start…so here goes.

I know like I know like I know that my life will be in full vibrant colors. I know that I will be at peace. I know that I will have the life I’ve always dreamed of. However, it a continuous struggle because I always think that someone is going to supply this dream for me. I keep thinking Mr. Prince Charming will whisk me away and I will never have to worry about making ends meets ever again. I’m conflicted because I feel this isn’t how it’s going to pan out for me. My intuition and this kind of knowing makes me feel as though I can have whatever I want but I will be the one to provide it to myself. And you see, that makes the most sense.

I’ve tried the “easy” way to acquire things and let me tell you it wasn’t so easy. I’ve had wealthy men in the palm of my hands but that lifestyle was too much on my conscience. I was indeed a manipulator and taking on characteristics of a narcissist/sexual sadist. In my defense the men were not angels either. As you can imagine, being this kind of person was actually doing more harm to myself than it was to the men. I found myself getting involved with drugs & alcohol, having underlying motives, and just flat-out living a lie. Meanwhile, I had all the things I wanted and I didn’t need to work but I still had a void. I knew I did not want to go back to working in the call center industry but I knew I also did not want to keep masquerading as something I’m not to get what I wanted from these men I cared absolutely nothing about. Well, I guess I cared a little bit after all they are human but c’mon I was just a fetish fantasy to them regardless of how many times they professed their love to me.

I was willing to risk it all to get out of this lifestyle. Ironically, my own sister and many other women thought I was insane to let go of my meal tickets just because I felt like morally and spiritually it was no longer fulfilling. These women were more about the money than I was– hook, line, sinker. Hook his ass, line him in, and take his ass for all he got (sinker)! But you see, that just seemed like too long of a “chore” for me. I was growing a rapid repulsion towards these men and I was frankly ready to discard them and move on. But I didn’t want to move on to another man for a meal ticket. I wanted to earn my own keeps and be the kind of self-started dream woman who my ideal dream man would be searching for.

Now fast forward 18 months, since I have resigned from these relationships with my “sponsors”. Granted they still make sure a girl is well-kept from time to time but nothing is in it for them besides dinner and a church hug at the end of the night. Since my resignation, I was able to get my mind + body + soul right. I kicked most of the drugs, reduced alcohol consumption, and worked on my clearing my mental. I launched this blog website about 16 months ago to allow me a creative space to share things I’ve learned along the way with other people who may resonate with the same teachings that have been useful for my growth. My blog started off as a success then slowly declined some 6 months ago. I’ll get more into the details of why and how that happened later on but for now let’s continue with my story. This upcoming summer will make one year that I have been working in the rewarding field of natural medicine, herbs, and supplements. I am actually quite happy and loving this field. This will ultimately tie into my future plans and lifetime goals. preparation meets opportunity

I can truly say my success thus far came by way of preparation meeting opportunity. I definitely feel blessed that some 18 months ago I was at a point where I needed to get out of toxic relationships and help myself be better. I was fortunate that I was introducing spirituality and holistic living just right before I got involved with these affluent men so it wasn’t too hard for me to bounce back into living conscientiously. I don’t regret the experiences and lessons I gained while with my suitors. It was probably the best age (24-26) for me to experience what I thought was the “high life”.  I can say without doubt now I know what is important and truly of value. I still want nice things and new experiences but I want to do it on my terms and hopefully share these memories with someone I care for.

However, things are a little different now. Remember how I said I would explain why my blog had slowly been declining as of 6 months ago? Well, a huge part of this is due to the news of my growing baby daughter in my belly. She will be arriving in early August! My first-born (: You would think I would have been more eager to write more since being pregnant especially with all these flooding emotions and experiences. I think more than anything it was a matter of being so fatigue during the first few months of my pregnancy; I was literally asleep by 8:30pm most nights. Also, I just didn’t know how to begin writing from where I had left off at. I did not want to just jump right in with a ‘hey I’m back fyi I’m pregnant’ type of post. I did not want my announcement to be cliché and ordinary as that’s just not me (as you probably know by now). I’m always filled with twists, turns, and surprises. So surprise! note: my future husband ought to be the man who can get down with me and all my quirks; Pisces women are for a select few!

Anywhoo, needless to say this post comes to full circle now. Obviously, the drugs and liquor aren’t an issue any longer. My mental state has continued to mature, evolve, and maintain peace. My career is opening the right doors for me so it’s important I keep focused so that I can have the life I know will be mine. So far so good! Sometimes, we as people get sidetracked on how much further we have to go and lose sight of how far we’ve come. I make it a priority to not forget where I started from so that I can look at my past achievements to motivate me to keep going. It’s incredible to see and check off all the things I wanted to do on wish lists that I created in 2014. You know, it may actually be past due for me to create a new wish list for the next upcoming goals and markers. I think it’ll be fun to work on this task especially with my upcoming addition, Aría.

Confession time: I’m secretly happy to be having a girl. Though, I wanted a boy first so he could watch over his little sister in grade school but secretly I wanted a girl. I’m so excited yet sometimes nervous. I do love my baby girl and feel such a strong bond with her already. She makes me laugh, cry, feel loved, and she keeps me motivated. I am determined to raise her in a healthy freeing natural environment. I can go on and on but I think I will wait to share baby blogging for a different post as I have a lot to write on in regards to raising a child in these times.

For now, I just wanted to stop by, ramble for a bit, and overall spread some love to you all. Look forward to being more active on my blog and let you in on some of the things I didn’t get to share with you.  I have a lot more that I want to write about and catch you up on such as:

  • new recipes
  • health + beauty tips
  • inspiration quotes
  • videos
  • and so much more!

Happy Spring to my NH folks and Happy Autumn to my SH peeps! Take care and much love.

synchronicities of the heart

no apologies necessary…

no apologies necessary was the message i sent
no apologies necessary for the way i feel
no apologies necessary for allowing my heart to feel confused and incomplete
no apologies necessary for helping me see my truth, my worth, my beauty
no apologies necessary was for the days i convinced myself otherwise
for the days i looked big-eyed and hopeful for a love that was true
no apologies necessary for the slips of endearments and the almost muttered i love you’s
no apologies necessary for the disappoint i feel…again
the same disappoint that seems far too familiar
the same disappoint from men in my past
dear sir, i apologize, i apologize because i will no longer be disappointed
i apologize because i have not the energy of a desperate woman
but rather the energy of a thankful woman
no apologies necessary for the contentment in my heart
no apologies necessary when i press forward and fly over the spears of sadness, disappoint, heartache
i have not the energy for such turmoil because i have the energy for myself
my love, my body, my soul energizes me and is ever-replenishing
my dear love, i do hope you find whatever it is you are searching for
however your search for me is no longer
our hearts vibrate on different frequencies, my dear love
i tell you, i am waiting on that familiar tune
that soul-synchronizing hum of the heart that beats alongside mine
my dear love, no apologies necessary