“My voice is my power, my silence is my wisdom.”
It’s been a long time since I took this pen to paper. A part of me had the urge to write but I just didn’t know where to start…so here goes.
I know like I know like I know that my life will be in full vibrant colors. I know that I will be at peace. I know that I will have the life I’ve always dreamed of. However, it a continuous struggle because I always think that someone is going to supply this dream for me. I keep thinking Mr. Prince Charming will whisk me away and I will never have to worry about making ends meets ever again. I’m conflicted because I feel this isn’t how it’s going to pan out for me. My intuition and this kind of knowing makes me feel as though I can have whatever I want but I will be the one to provide it to myself. And you see, that makes the most sense.
I’ve tried the “easy” way to acquire things and let me tell you it wasn’t so easy. I’ve had wealthy men in the palm of my hands but that lifestyle was too much on my conscience. I was indeed a manipulator and taking on characteristics of a narcissist/sexual sadist. In my defense the men were not angels either. As you can imagine, being this kind of person was actually doing more harm to myself than it was to the men. I found myself getting involved with drugs & alcohol, having underlying motives, and just flat-out living a lie. Meanwhile, I had all the things I wanted and I didn’t need to work but I still had a void. I knew I did not want to go back to working in the call center industry but I knew I also did not want to keep masquerading as something I’m not to get what I wanted from these men I cared absolutely nothing about. Well, I guess I cared a little bit after all they are human but c’mon I was just a fetish fantasy to them regardless of how many times they professed their love to me.
I was willing to risk it all to get out of this lifestyle. Ironically, my own sister and many other women thought I was insane to let go of my meal tickets just because I felt like morally and spiritually it was no longer fulfilling. These women were more about the money than I was– hook, line, sinker. Hook his ass, line him in, and take his ass for all he got (sinker)! But you see, that just seemed like too long of a “chore” for me. I was growing a rapid repulsion towards these men and I was frankly ready to discard them and move on. But I didn’t want to move on to another man for a meal ticket. I wanted to earn my own keeps and be the kind of self-started dream woman who my ideal dream man would be searching for.
Now fast forward 18 months, since I have resigned from these relationships with my “sponsors”. Granted they still make sure a girl is well-kept from time to time but nothing is in it for them besides dinner and a church hug at the end of the night. Since my resignation, I was able to get my mind + body + soul right. I kicked most of the drugs, reduced alcohol consumption, and worked on my clearing my mental. I launched this blog website about 16 months ago to allow me a creative space to share things I’ve learned along the way with other people who may resonate with the same teachings that have been useful for my growth. My blog started off as a success then slowly declined some 6 months ago. I’ll get more into the details of why and how that happened later on but for now let’s continue with my story. This upcoming summer will make one year that I have been working in the rewarding field of natural medicine, herbs, and supplements. I am actually quite happy and loving this field. This will ultimately tie into my future plans and lifetime goals.
I can truly say my success thus far came by way of preparation meeting opportunity. I definitely feel blessed that some 18 months ago I was at a point where I needed to get out of toxic relationships and help myself be better. I was fortunate that I was introducing spirituality and holistic living just right before I got involved with these affluent men so it wasn’t too hard for me to bounce back into living conscientiously. I don’t regret the experiences and lessons I gained while with my suitors. It was probably the best age (24-26) for me to experience what I thought was the “high life”. I can say without doubt now I know what is important and truly of value. I still want nice things and new experiences but I want to do it on my terms and hopefully share these memories with someone I care for.
However, things are a little different now. Remember how I said I would explain why my blog had slowly been declining as of 6 months ago? Well, a huge part of this is due to the news of my growing baby daughter in my belly. She will be arriving in early August! My first-born (: You would think I would have been more eager to write more since being pregnant especially with all these flooding emotions and experiences. I think more than anything it was a matter of being so fatigue during the first few months of my pregnancy; I was literally asleep by 8:30pm most nights. Also, I just didn’t know how to begin writing from where I had left off at. I did not want to just jump right in with a ‘hey I’m back fyi I’m pregnant’ type of post. I did not want my announcement to be cliché and ordinary as that’s just not me (as you probably know by now). I’m always filled with twists, turns, and surprises. So surprise! note: my future husband ought to be the man who can get down with me and all my quirks; Pisces women are for a select few!
Anywhoo, needless to say this post comes to full circle now. Obviously, the drugs and liquor aren’t an issue any longer. My mental state has continued to mature, evolve, and maintain peace. My career is opening the right doors for me so it’s important I keep focused so that I can have the life I know will be mine. So far so good! Sometimes, we as people get sidetracked on how much further we have to go and lose sight of how far we’ve come. I make it a priority to not forget where I started from so that I can look at my past achievements to motivate me to keep going. It’s incredible to see and check off all the things I wanted to do on wish lists that I created in 2014. You know, it may actually be past due for me to create a new wish list for the next upcoming goals and markers. I think it’ll be fun to work on this task especially with my upcoming addition, Aría.
Confession time: I’m secretly happy to be having a girl. Though, I wanted a boy first so he could watch over his little sister in grade school but secretly I wanted a girl. I’m so excited yet sometimes nervous. I do love my baby girl and feel such a strong bond with her already. She makes me laugh, cry, feel loved, and she keeps me motivated. I am determined to raise her in a healthy freeing natural environment. I can go on and on but I think I will wait to share baby blogging for a different post as I have a lot to write on in regards to raising a child in these times.
For now, I just wanted to stop by, ramble for a bit, and overall spread some love to you all. Look forward to being more active on my blog and let you in on some of the things I didn’t get to share with you. I have a lot more that I want to write about and catch you up on such as:
- new recipes
- health + beauty tips
- inspiration quotes
- and so much more!
Happy Spring to my NH folks and Happy Autumn to my SH peeps! Take care and much love.