surrender to vulnerability

For the last couple of months I have been feeling a little indifferent, not sure of why or what was causing me to feel this way. So I started to obsessively rack my brain trying to figure out how I can get back to feeling  “normal” again. In the midst of this reflective period, I went through spells of feeling withdrawn from the world, lazy, indecisive—the list goes on. Literally.

I tried to just ignore what it was I was feeling and tried my hardest to keep on trucking along. Finally, I came to a point where this was really starting to affect me physically and psychologically so I decided to surrender. I gave up resistance and submitted to the fact that I needed to take some immediate action. Admittedly, I cannot say I have conquered all of these issues I face. More than anything, writing and acknowledging these obstacles is healing for me and was the first step I decided to take. I hope that at the very least this post resonates with someone else who may be dealing or had previously dealt with the same situation. If you have some suggestions on how to combat these obstacles please leave a comment or send an email.

  • lethargy, laziness, lack of motivation
  • giving up when the going gets tough
  • suppressing my issues
  • disillusion
  • escapism
  • dependency
  • indecisiveness
  • lack of confidence
  • fear of failure
  • discontent
  • lack of willpower
  1. My lethargy/laziness stems from not feeling motivated, passionate, nor recognizing the importance of that action that requires my input. Feeling as though my rest and relaxation is more valuable than said action.
  2. Giving up when the going gets tough stems from laziness as I described above. Also, feeling as though continuing the path is not worthy or valuable; not seeing instant gratification. Impatience.
  3. Not acknowledging or rather suppressing my issues stems from thinking if something is out of sight then it’s also out of mind. Alternatively, from feeling that even if I were to address my issues, they would still go unresolved and thus making the process a waste of time (not worthy/valuable of my time).
  4. Disillusion comes from not having a sound and solid foundation of who I am. Getting sucked into different ideals that satisfy me temporarily until I’m on to my next conquest.
  5. Escapism comes from fear of facing my issue. I know what the issue is but I rather pretend it’s not there because quite frankly I don’t know how to resolve it, so why bother.
  6. Dependencies on people, environments, and substances stems from my need to escape a situation so the dependency acts a temporary distraction.
  7. Indecisiveness from self-doubt, uncertainty, or the feeling that I might make the wrong decision leading to let down or disappointment. The desire for wanting to be right and avoid failing, delays, or criticism.
  8. Lack of confidence due to feeling I won’t get my way in the situation, self-doubt, or the outcome will not be in my favor. Alternatively, not being able to accept rejection without feeling unworthy.
  9. My fear of failure stems from receiving criticism, pity, or disappointment from others. These things affect me because I’m dependent on how others see me since I don’t have a strong foundation for myself. Feeling ashamed of myself for not being better than I already am.
  10. I feel discontent with the way things are because I believe I should be doing better than the status quo. Feeling I am not good enough yet. Criticizing myself at where I am now instead of applauding myself from where I started at. Comparing myself to others and the mass majority standard of what’s acceptable.
  11. Lack of willpower due to feeling that I am not going to follow through to completion. Feeling as though I am too weak to persist, so why start in the first place. Doubting myself and my inner power. Feeling I’m not as strong as others to keep up.